If you or someone you know is in crisis right now: call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline). For a possible overdose or any medical emergency, call 911. For help finding treatment, the SAMHSA National Helpline is free and open 24/7 at 1-800-662-4357.
The short answer
You cannot make your spouse stop drinking, but you can communicate with care, stop shielding them from consequences, set clear boundaries, encourage an assessment and look after yourself. Approaches such as CRAFT can help families, and support groups can ease the strain. If you are ever unsafe, your safety comes first.
Understand what you are facing
Alcohol use disorder is a medical condition, not a lack of love or willpower. It can strain trust, money, intimacy and parenting. Your feelings, such as anger, fear, guilt and exhaustion, are normal. (See [Alcohol Use Disorder Treatment Options: From Detox to Medication].)
What works
Communicate calmly
Pick a sober, private moment. Describe specific behaviors and their effects using “I” statements. (See [How to Talk to a Loved One About Addiction Without Pushing Them Away].)
Encourage an assessment
Offer to help find a doctor or counselor, and to go along. Many people accept help they feel is offered with care.
Reinforce positive steps
Notice and appreciate time without drinking, honesty and effort. CRAFT teaches families to reward healthy behavior and not to react to drinking with anger.
Set and keep boundaries
Boundaries are about what you will do, not threats. Examples: “I won’t ride with you if you’ve been drinking.” “I’m not going to cover for you at work.” (See [Enabling vs Supporting: Setting Healthy Boundaries].)
Let natural consequences happen
Stop cleaning up, covering up or making excuses when it is safe to do so, so your spouse can see the effects of drinking.
Protect the children
Keep routines steady, avoid putting kids in the middle and be honest at their level. Talk to the pediatrician or a counselor if they are struggling.
Look after yourself
Join a support group, see a therapist, protect your sleep, health and friendships. (See [Support Groups for Families: Al-Anon, Nar-Anon and SMART Recovery Family & Friends].)
Learn about treatment
Treatment may include therapy, medication and peer support, and couples therapy can help when the person is engaged. (See [Evidence-Based Therapies in Addiction Treatment: CBT, DBT and Contingency Management].)
What doesn’t work
- Nagging, lecturing or shaming
- Pouring out alcohol or hiding it, which usually leads to conflict and secrecy
- Threats you will not keep
- Making excuses, lying for your spouse or paying their consequences
- Drinking together to “keep the peace”
- Waiting for rock bottom. You do not have to.
- Taking all the responsibility for their recovery
- Confronting them while intoxicated
Safety first
Alcohol use can be linked with violence in some relationships. If you feel unsafe or are being hurt or threatened, call 911 in an emergency, or contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (or text START to 88788). Make a safety plan with a professional, and do not confront an intoxicated or violent person alone.
Also never allow someone who has been drinking to drive. Call a ride or the police if needed.
When your spouse stops: withdrawal safety
If your spouse drinks heavily, stopping suddenly can be dangerous. Seizures, hallucinations or severe confusion are emergencies. (See [Can You Detox at Home? Dangers of Alcohol and Benzodiazepine Withdrawal].)
When your spouse says no
Many people refuse help at first. You can still:
- Keep your boundaries and your routines
- Keep the door open
- Get support for yourself
- Consider a professional guide. (See [Intervention Guide: Steps, Mistakes to Avoid and Professional Options].)
- Decide what you need for your own wellbeing and safety, including whether to separate. Talk to a counselor or a lawyer about options.
Recovery is a shared process
Recovery can take time, and relapse can occur. Rebuilding trust takes patience and honesty on both sides. (See [Relapse Is Not Failure: What to Do After a Slip] and [Rebuilding Relationships and Trust in Recovery].)
Frequently asked questions
How can I help my husband or wife stop drinking?
You cannot force it, but you can communicate with care, encourage an assessment, set boundaries and get support yourself.
Should I leave my spouse if they won’t get help?
That is a personal decision. Talk to a counselor, and prioritize safety. Many people find support groups and therapy helpful as they decide.
Can couples therapy help?
Yes, when the person is engaged in treatment and it is safe.
What if I feel guilty?
You did not cause the disorder and you cannot cure it. Support for you matters.
Sources
- NIAAA. Treatment for Alcohol Problems and Family Resources. niaaa.nih.gov
- SAMHSA. Family Support and Resources. samhsa.gov
- National Domestic Violence Hotline. thehotline.org
This article is for general information only and is not medical or legal advice. If you are in danger, call 911.