If you or someone you know is in crisis right now: call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline). For a possible overdose or any medical emergency, call 911. For help finding treatment, the SAMHSA National Helpline is free and open 24/7 at 1-800-662-4357.
The short answer
Talk privately, calmly and with care, when the person is sober. Describe what you have noticed, say you are worried, listen and offer specific help. Avoid labels, ultimatums and blame. Expect more than one conversation, and take care of yourself too.
Before you talk
- Learn the basics. Understanding addiction as a health condition reduces blame. (See [What Is a Substance Use Disorder? Signs, Stages and When to Seek Help].)
- Get calm first. Anger and fear can derail the talk.
- Choose the time and place. Private, unhurried and when the person is sober and not stressed.
- Know your goal. Usually it is to open the door, not to win an argument or get a promise.
- Prepare options. Know how to find an assessment or support. (See [How to Use FindTreatment.gov and the SAMHSA National Helpline].)
- Decide who should talk. Often one or two trusted people work better than a crowd.
How to talk
Start with care
- “I care about you and I’m worried. Can we talk?”
- Use “I” statements: “I’ve noticed you’ve seemed exhausted, and I’m worried,” rather than “You’re always drunk.”
- Stick to specific, recent facts and how they affect you.
Listen more than you talk
- Ask open questions: “How have things been for you?”
- Reflect back what you hear.
- Allow silence.
Avoid
| Instead of… | Try… |
|---|---|
| “You’re an addict.” | “I’m worried about your drinking.” |
| “Why can’t you just stop?” | “What would make things easier right now?” |
| “If you loved us, you’d quit.” | “I love you, and I want to help.” |
| Threats you won’t carry out | Boundaries you will keep |
| Arguing when the person is intoxicated | Waiting for a calmer time |
Offer specific help
- “I can help you find a counselor.”
- “I’ll go with you to the first appointment.”
- “I can look up programs with you.”
Respect their response
A defensive or angry reaction is common. Do not push for a decision in one talk. Say you will be there and that you will bring it up again.
Motivational approaches that work
Research supports motivational interviewing, which helps people explore their own reasons for change. Questions such as “What do you like about using? What worries you?” can help. Another evidence-based approach, CRAFT, teaches families communication skills and positive reinforcement and helps engage loved ones in treatment while protecting the family’s wellbeing. (See [Evidence-Based Therapies in Addiction Treatment: CBT, DBT and Contingency Management].)
What if they say no?
- Do not give up. Change often takes many conversations.
- Keep the door open: “My offer stands whenever you’re ready.”
- Keep your boundaries. (See [Enabling vs Supporting: Setting Healthy Boundaries].)
- Get support yourself. (See [Support Groups for Families: Al-Anon, Nar-Anon and SMART Recovery Family & Friends].)
- Consider professional help if the situation is serious. (See [Intervention Guide: Steps, Mistakes to Avoid and Professional Options].)
When it is urgent
Call 911 for overdose or medical emergency, and 988 for thoughts of suicide. Do not wait for a “better time.” (See [How to Get Naloxone (Narcan): Where to Find It Free and When to Use It].)
If your loved one says yes
Move quickly while they are willing. (See [How to Get Into Rehab Fast: Same-Day and Next-Day Admission Options].)
Frequently asked questions
How do I bring up addiction with someone I love?
Choose a calm, private time, use “I” statements, describe what you have noticed and offer help.
What if they get angry?
Stay calm, do not argue and revisit the topic later.
Should I stage an intervention?
Not necessarily. Softer, ongoing conversations often work better. See the intervention guide.
Can I force an adult into treatment?
In most cases no, but you can make it easier to say yes.
Sources
- SAMHSA. Family Support and Resources. samhsa.gov
- National Institute on Drug Abuse. Family Resources. nida.nih.gov
- Meyers RJ, Wolfe BL. Get Your Loved One Sober (CRAFT).
This article is for general information only and is not medical advice. If someone is in danger, call 911 or 988.